[JUNE25] my favorite things are dolls, weapons and instruments. i'm very simple. i don't need anything else besides that.

its 4 am

theres so much that goes on in my mind all the time and i wish i knew how to put said thoughts into words without sounding like a complete idiot... i just end up writing run on sentences with no end. when i read the writings of others and i always wonder how they're able to express their thoughts properly without going on and on about the same thing. my ear just started ringing. i also wonder what that means. do odd occurrences always mean something or are we all just searching for answers?

i wish i knew all the answers, why i'm the way i am and how come i feel this way... i wish i had a rule book on how i'm supposed to act, i break down because i don't have life instructions

i miss some of my old friends. it feels as though they're dead though--cant reach out to them... well, i just don't want to. missing someone that doesn't exist anymore, that is a death right? you don't know who they are anymore, vice versa. after a while i just remind myself why i stopped being friends with them. maybe i'm too sensitive, i pushed everyone away. i get too emotionally invested in my friendships, and when i say that, i think that being emotionally invested in a close friendship is the bare minimum, right? of course there are boundaries but whats the point of being best friends with someone if they don't tell you things? maybe i should stop talking about this because it always puts the thoughts into my head that there is something wrong with me. i think there's something wrong with everyone else

is regret forever?

woke up at around noon, thanks to me wanting to start a blog at 4 am for no reason. i wonder if this is going to do me any good. is it even worth it? if i do something i don't consider productive or beneficial, i end up making myself feeling bad about it. maybe it will help. maybe it won't. i guess our whole lives are meant to be lived without knowing what is coming next... bleh. my life isn't entertaining enough. i can't wait for the day i'll be able to experience true happiness without stressing about shit i don't have control of

[JUNE27] hung out with my dog. we didnt speak, obviously, but it felt like a conversation anyway. i love her. no small talk... no weird, awkward moments fell down a rabbit hole, again. my brain is rotting and i'm just letting it. it's fine. time slipped away all day~

practiced some tricks on my butterfly knife! i started two days ago. it reduces my stress because it's like a fidget toy! ^_^

now im laying in bed bored, once again. ceilings got nothing to say. neither do i. might play a game or something. might not. the night feels long but i'm not rushing it.